waiting to exhale.

"[Army wives] are called the silent ranks but it’s never said why we are silent. I’m here to tell you it’s because we are waiting. We are holding our breath. It’s easy to be silent when you’re afraid to exhale."

--From this website.

This quote is so true.  I have a new "symptom" of deployment this time, nighttime hallucinations.  It is hard to fall asleep and, most nights, I end up hallucinating that there is someone at the door or there are people in my room.  It's pretty frightening and is severely cutting into my sleep time. 

I think this is partly caused because Chris' missions this time are more dangerous than those from his time in Iraq.  I'm the type of person that wants to know things, so he tells me about them and I read a lot of information and articles.  Lately, my dreams have involved C.J. Cregg (a character from the West Wing).  She talks to me, but I can't ever hear what she's saying.  Last night, I thought she was next to my alarm clock and I reached out for her.  I was still awake, but delirious, I think.

I also always think "those" guys are at my house to tell me Chris is dead.  Every night for 4 straight nights, I've gotten up to check the front door.  It seems like the people who are dying over there just get their lives taken in an instant, without circumstance or regard.  And I DON'T want that to be me.

I hope this goes away once I am settled in Kentucky.  A change of scenery will be so, so, so nice and I'll have more to look forward to than quiet days - or as quiet as they can be with a toddler.

tup-a-tuppy's injury

this morning, amelia and i went to toddler storytime at the library.  i like this library because it's in a different part of town than our usual one and the people are more welcoming.  it's also close to the "quiet" target store.

during the storytime, they do songs, chants, read books, and get stickers.  amelia is quite an outgoing child, but during the entire 20 minutes, she just sits there.  doesn't smile, doesn't frown, doesn't sing, etc.  i put her on my lap to do hand motions and such, but no true participation.  at first, i thought she was nervous because of all the people and other kids, but we've gone to storytimes quite often.

on our way out of the room, she kept saying "tup-a-tuppy" - which is similar to her word for strawberry, but not quite.  she kept saying it over and over and i put her down to show me what she meant.  she went over to humpty dumpty (who was not put back together) and frowned and said his name over and over.  i had never read humpty dumpty to her before, but we said the chant several times during storytime and the librarian reenacted it with a paper mache egg.  she was so worried about him and his condition.

the whole way home, she talked about humpty dumpty and i assured her he just had a owie and would be better in a few days.  when we got home, i had the bright idea to reenact the story with some big kitchen bowls and paper eyes.  we did it a couple of times, then she started crying and flew into my arms.  she was so upset that he was hurt!  hilarious!  i promised to put him away and that he was ok and just sleeping.

i guess she understands more at storytime than i thought!

april 26.

today, amelia woke up at her normal time, around 6:45am.  she lazed in bed before breakfast, then we skyped with chris afterwards. 

we are in the process of trying to rent our house.  it's been on the rental market since early february and, while we've had a lot of showings, no contracts yet.  this has been very frustrating for several reasons.


1. once the house rents, i can go home to kentucky - where we'll be surrounded by family and friends and i can finally get a small break.

2. it's hard keeping the house clean with a toddler running around and i don't expect her to not get things messy.

3. our property managerial company is not the best at communication.  emails go unanswered and when i try to call, i tend to get passed around.  i believe in their abilities, but wish i would get an after-showing report telling me what the renters thought.

4. we are hoping to have another baby before we leave colorado, but our current layout isn't super conducive to this.  we only have 2 bedrooms upstairs and 3 downstairs.  i don't want the kids to share (if they don't have to) and i'm not putting one of them downstairs or in our room.  thus, we need a different house with a different layout.  in order to get a different house, we have to rent this one.

all in all, not renting wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.  i enjoy the (general) quietness of our neighborhood, have met some good people, and really really like all of our storage space.  i'm not too fond of being so far from the city, though, and if I get pregnant again, it'll be quite a haul to go to the doctor all the time with amelia in tow.

to cheer up, i got some chinese food for lunch.  i'd been craving it for about a week, but didn't want to fix a full meal of it since chris isn't here.

mm cashew chicken.  off to check the baby monitor and settle in with my daily dose of The West Wing.

Hello muddah.

I am back from the depths.  I was recently reminded that I had a blog, so here I am.  Much has changed in almost a year.  Chris came back and is gone again.  Amelia is now 19 months old.  And I'm still here, spinning plates, trying to keep from losing my mind.

Days are filled with mealtimes, playtimes, and (hopefully) sleep times. 
It seems so many of my friends' lives are filled with jobs, more kids, and a predictable flow.  My life, however, is in stutter-start mode and it'll be that way for quite some time.

On the plus side, I have my health, my daughter, and Skype.
Hoping to update this a little more often than once a year...