waiting to exhale.

"[Army wives] are called the silent ranks but it’s never said why we are silent. I’m here to tell you it’s because we are waiting. We are holding our breath. It’s easy to be silent when you’re afraid to exhale."

--From this website.

This quote is so true.  I have a new "symptom" of deployment this time, nighttime hallucinations.  It is hard to fall asleep and, most nights, I end up hallucinating that there is someone at the door or there are people in my room.  It's pretty frightening and is severely cutting into my sleep time. 

I think this is partly caused because Chris' missions this time are more dangerous than those from his time in Iraq.  I'm the type of person that wants to know things, so he tells me about them and I read a lot of information and articles.  Lately, my dreams have involved C.J. Cregg (a character from the West Wing).  She talks to me, but I can't ever hear what she's saying.  Last night, I thought she was next to my alarm clock and I reached out for her.  I was still awake, but delirious, I think.

I also always think "those" guys are at my house to tell me Chris is dead.  Every night for 4 straight nights, I've gotten up to check the front door.  It seems like the people who are dying over there just get their lives taken in an instant, without circumstance or regard.  And I DON'T want that to be me.

I hope this goes away once I am settled in Kentucky.  A change of scenery will be so, so, so nice and I'll have more to look forward to than quiet days - or as quiet as they can be with a toddler.