Monday, July 21, 2008

split screen sadness

Here's what I've learned about dogs: They're a lot like pretty girls. Having one or two around makes everything more fun, but when you get a whole bunch together, it turns into one big power struggle. --Scott Westerfield--

Canvassing my past and present friend history, I notice I have had many girl acquaintances, but few girl friends. Girls tend to always be judging and we exhaust ourselves trying to be the cutest or best.

It's true I would rather work alone than in a group, but this does not always ring true in relationships. There is only so much you can clean or organize before you start to wish you had a gaggle of girls to share funny times with.

I always seemed to find myself in a horde of girls...whether it be on a softball team, on friday nights in high school, or in my sorority in college. However, I often caught myself with low self-esteem and feeling as if I was a lone reed. I am quite shy when it comes to new people and am not very good at breaking the ice. This probably makes me appear hoity at times, but I assure you, the opposite is true.

Even in 2008, I often find myself feeling this way. Even with the world at my feet...wonderful fiance, job that I love, etc...I feel a lack of true connection. I get so pissed at myself for pushing people away, only to feel lonely. Oh, self. You stink sometimes!

Does anyone else ever feel this way or sabotage themselves?


Mrs. Needham said...

Oh how many times I've thought the same thing. When I left Oklahoma I didn't take one friendship with me, after 18 years I should have valued them more. So now I'm left with no one who remembers "that time when we were 10".

Women are hard, period, even the nice ones tend to be too busy to fit you in but will gladly say hi everytime you see them. So I think you and I should become great friends. Let's meet next week for dinner.

Jennifer said...

You are dealing with the queen of this. I used to be horrible about it. I would push people out for weeks or even months and then inevitably have to call, apologize, beg and plead for forgiveness and hope we can move on together. I'm really not sure what possessed me to treat people that I love that way. Looking back, I tended to shut them out when something was wrong with me personally. It seemed that was the way I would handle it. Seems crazy to me now because I LOVE to have people around.I have grown immensely and am happy to report that I have not done this in a while. Just the constant awareness of how it hurts others has helped me. Sure, there are times when I need some alone time. But I try with every ounce in my body not to shut people out.
I completely know how you feel though. Its so frustrating!
However, one thing I did notice throughout my struggle with this, is that my true friends have ALWAYS been there. Sure, some friends come and go but there are a handful that have stuck with me through my rotten stages. I am so thankful :)

PS- can I come to dinner with Ami too?!?